Supporting “Special” Mothers
by Kaitryn Sheehan Wertz

During the past year I’ve had the privilege of sharing dialogues and coaching sessions with some utterly amazing women: mothers doing home-based programs for their children with autism and related challenges. In my teenage daughter’s language: these ladies RULE! I intend no slight to the many equally awesome, dedicated dads who stretch in magnificent ways to help their daughters and sons. But, as a mother, I have a special place in my heart for the particular challenges and dynamics that many women face daily in trying to give their child the very best.

In celebration of the beautiful mothers who’ve shared their struggles and their wisdom with me, here are a few of the many things they’ve taught me.

The Power of "Plain Mum"

A while back, a British woman, about to begin her program, wrote "I am getting nervous and anxious as to whether an uneducated, plain mum can succeed in such an important venture". Less than 6 months later, this ‘plain mum" has gathered community support, has assisted her child to make rapid strides that would dazzle many professional educators and is enthusiastically directing an effective, growing program.

Most women were trained to keep some portion of their power and brilliance in the closet. Even in this age of "women’s liberation’, we still live in a society that rewards men for being assertive, brilliant and direct, while often isolating or ridiculing women who show those traits. We were taught to defer to authority (especially male), to make light of our talents and strengths so as not to cause offense and to see ourselves as well suited for a supporting role. Mothers must be prepared to challenge these attitudes within themselves when they decide to do something powerful, "BIG’ or controversial for their child.

A woman’s challenge may take an external form, such as becoming a strong advocate for her child’s rights and needs in the school system, finding the confidence to learn new teaching skills, providing program leadership or speaking in public to raise funds. Or it may be an internal challenge, like daring to trust her own sense of her child’s potential, even when others insist that his or her abilities are limited. I’ve spoken to women who have displayed capabilities they might never have found in themselves, had not their child’s well being been at stake.

Mothers beginning a program can benefit from self-exploration of these issues, as well as from networking with other more experienced ‘special moms’ who can serve a role models or coaches. Spouses, family members and friends can help by recognizing that ‘mom’ can use support and encouragement to trust herself. When she is unsure or uncomfortable with a new role, gentle non-directive questions that assist her to find her own answers may be far more useful than advice.

When all is said and done, there are few forces on this planet that are more powerful than the determination and love of a ‘plain mum".

Superwoman Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

Once mothers begin their programs and start to see how powerful they really are, many fall into a different trap--- they imagine that they’ve become superwoman. This is the mom who expects herself to single-handedly run a full-time program for her special child, while being fully "there" for her other children, caring for an elderly parent, maintaining a marriage, keeping a clean home, having good hair, being on time for every appointment, and, for many, working outside the home. This is the single working mother who feels guilty because she is "only" running her program for 6 hours per day. Or the mother of two kids with special needs who does her ironing at midnight because (God forbid!) she wouldn’t want her children to be seen in wrinkled clothes. Sound familiar?

For most families with children on the autism-PDD spectrum, a home program isn’t a sprint—it’s an all-out marathon. We’d chuckle knowingly at the likely fate of the marathoner who gives the race "everything she’s got" in the first two miles. Of course she needs to pace herself for the long run. Yet many mothers approach the marathon of a home-based program as if it were a 50-yard dash, quickly working themselves to the point of exhaustion or high stress. They postpone "luxuries" such as meditation, exercise, quiet time, a juicy novel or ‘dates’ with their spouse until their child is ‘finished’ (or, at least, ‘further along’). When this happens, it’s more likely to be mom who ‘finishes’ first – burning herself out before her child is ready to attend school.

However dedicated, mothers need to realize that they are human beings, with very human wants and needs, not to mention a human limitation or two. You cannot be fully and creatively there for your child if you are not healthy, comfortable and energetic. Part of caring for your child has to include caring for yourself, so that you can continue to be vitally present for his or her growth. If you notice yourself feeling unusually irritable, stressed or exhausted, if you find yourself having minor accidents or being more susceptible to colds, if you’re feeling ‘down’ more often, these experiences may be signs that you’re pushing yourself too hard or not taking care of yourself. If you notice that you feel guilty when you take time for yourself, consider talking to a counselor or a trusted friend.

Friends and family can help. Consider offering mom some practical support—cleaning, babysitting, cooking, laundry, errands. Want to do something really special for her? Hire a cleaning lady! A group of friends could chip in to pay for a certain number of weeks or months of housecleaning as a birthday or holiday surprise. Sometimes mothers can use help that you can provide from your own home, such as typing program notes or returning calls to prospective volunteers. You can also offer emotional support. This involves paying attention and noticing if she exhibits any of the signs in the preceding paragraph. Invite her out to dinner; encourage her to talk about the struggles as well as the joys of working with her child. Sometimes a nice meal (cooked by someone else!) and a listening ear can make all the difference in the world. Husbands who work all day can recognize that your wife (especially if she is extroverted) can probably use adult conversation at the end of the day. If she’s more introverted, give her some alone time by watching the kids.

The key word is balance: balance between finding your power and pushing yourself to be more-than-human, balance between helping your child and keeping yourself vital, healthy and positive. The opportunity presented by your special child can place you on a path of growth and personal development that will enrich you and your family for the rest of your life. Remember to stop and get a manicure along the way.

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